God comes to Bama!

(Alabama) SC Newswire: Get ready to rumble! Two Oxford University professors are going to debate the existence of God in front of a sold-out audience in Birmingham, Alabama (the apex of the bible belt) on October 3rd. Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins and professor of mathematics John Lennox are going to approach the “God question” by discussing the merits of atheism versus religious faith.

Lennox, who is also a philosophy of science professor, plans to demonstrate that science and religion are compatible—especially if it is with his religion. “I want to tell Richard that we can 'all get along' and that God has been spotted in a spacecraft by Francis Collins,” said Lennox. “I think we are seeing more and more evidence that God’s hand is behind evolution. God has a big hand (325 kilometers by 468 kilometers) and He pushes things along; I even have some equations from William Dembski to prove it. His hand is almost as big as my head.”

Professor Dawkins is not worried by Lennox’s position and looks forward to the face-off. “What kind of mountebank quackery are we going to have to endure?” said Dawkins. “How many unicorns must we dismiss before the deleterious ramifications of religion can be safely ousted alongside strangely peculiar mythologies, fictional parables and fairy tales concerning supernatural goblins?"

The entire debate will be sponsored by the Fixed Point Foundation who claims that unbelievers are being monitored by the ghost of St. Paul via GPS tracking devices placed on the steeples of churches. The Fixed Point press release includes the following statement: “The decision one makes regarding this question has implications that reverberate throughout eternity to be sure.” More of a threat than an actual disclaimer, the Fixed Point Foundation will offer a discount to ticketholders who can prove they’ve eaten waffles with Al Sharpton. “We’re serious about this,” said Fixed Point’s spokesperson Carl Wilson. “If you’ve found God through breakfast conversation with Al Sharpton, we’ll give you a $5 dollar rebate on the price of your ticket. $5 dollars off and a ‘fixed-spot’ in heaven! Now that’s a bargain.”

Whether you are a philosophical materialist or a Christian nutcase, please do not miss the opportunity to witness the verdict of this monumental discussion.

Sister Sylvia!

(Florida) SC Newswire: Sister Sylvia, a practicing nun from Our Lady’s Pyretic Convent in Miami, has been adding a new “sense of self” to the concept of what nuns are capable of expressing under Vatican deontology. As a precursor to the new catechism of nun qualification, chastity can be sustained without having to forego one’s sexual appeal, per say. Sister Sylvia knows this, perhaps better than anyone, since she was selected out of 1,346 nuns from over 385 parishes around the globe to offer the Catholic Church a more tenable and practical marketing strategy in the face of increasing apostasy prompted by the “new atheist” movement.

“We’ve got to change our playing strategy,” said Father Simon of St. Timothy Church on 5400 SW Avenue. “With today’s youth leaving the church in droves, we need an angle that will freshen up the liturgy component, so to speak. Grotto of Lourdes, ascetic sensibilities and the Dominican Order are a bit much to place on a young woman who has already devoted her life to papal enclosure. What the church needs is a way to add a sense of excitement and modern flair without compromising the initial core values. I think we have found it with the attire, sultry gaze and mannerisms of Sister Sylvia.” In addition to abandoning the old principles of nunnery, a new “attitude” will be standard fare thanks to the impressions left by the latest nun of fun.

Miami’s hottest Sister is no stranger to the clientele that have been attending mass on a more frequent basis during the last few weeks. According to Sister Sylvia, many individuals have been approaching the cloister in hopes of spending some quality time in the church garden with "Our Lady of Torridity.” In fact, several members of the Discovery Institute have been spotted by SC reporters outside the nun’s chamber.

“I’ve been waiting all night for her to walk outside,” said William Dembski, the founder of Uncommon Descent and The Harry Potter Trilogy board game. “You wanna talk about design?! Uh, huh. I believe she is sufficiently complex enough to qualify.” Wild Bill is not the only one getting in on the visual action either. Senator Sam Brownback has been trying to outdo his opponents with scriptural references and attempting to be seen in public within walking distance of Sister Sylvia. “I just have to have a publicity photo taken with her so that I can prove to PZ Myers that biologists are not the only citizens driving sports cars and chasing supermodels at the taxpayer’s expense,” said the Senator. “Two can play at that game for sure.”

Despite the competition for her attention, Sister Sylvia is creating quite an alluring interpretation of monasticism.