SteinWay to Heaven!

(Washington DC) SC Newswire: Ben Stein, an ex-attorney and Ferris Bueller fan club president, has officially designated the sky as the area where his master resides and commutes from on weekends. When asked by SC reporters where the “intelligent designer” referred to in the film Expelled is located, Stein pointed upward.

“God lives in a big place up there with thousands of acres that he does not have to pay capital gains tax on and I want elementary classrooms across America to realize this,” said a serious Stein. “Darwin’s theory may have worked back in the late 1800’s, but the sky is the limit now. Anything goes. You just wait!”

Besides being known for hosting his own game show and frequenting the Wall Street Deli, Ben Stein has been taking on the world of biology and physics with alternatives to the rigors of logic, triple-blind experiments, evidence, rationality, and peer-reviewed data.

“I am Ben Stein,” screamed an indignant and red-faced Stein. “When I gave people my money I expected them to listen to me goddamnit! I am Ben Stein and I have something to say about the origins of the universe goddamnit! No more shutting down of free speech and my ability to challenge the scientific community with a single quotation from Uncommon Descent. No more REAL scientists will be expelled for believing in the work of Ben Stein. My way or NO way!"

Mr. Stein made himself available for autographs, financial advice and photo shoots after the complexity of his cells were analyzed by Michael Behe during a lunch break.

Garden of Eden Discovered!

(Tennessee) SC Newswire: Forget, for a moment, what you know about molecular biology, forensic anthropology, paleontology and ethology. Forget the fact that humans are a species of ape that began evolving in Africa over 4-million-years ago, or that DNA elucidates our cousinship to all living specimens. Forget that 20% of our genes are shared with worms. Forget the fact that all species were not created simultaneously and that there is, roughly, a 10-billion-year difference between the age of the earth and the age of the universe. Forget what you know about the fossil record, embryology, genetic mutation rates, selection pressure, geological testing, ecology, genealogical records, patterns of speciation, biogeography, the gradual extinction of almost every species, gravitational “theory,” atomic “theory,” evolutionary “theory,” theoretical physics, primate lineage, Burgess Shale impressions, intermediate skeletal traits between reptiles and mammals, antibiotic resistance in bacteria, moth color phylogeny via bird predation, artificial selection, quantitative-trait-loci, adaptation and electroweak symmetry breaking. In fact, forget everything...

This National Geographic photo, recently taken at the Cherokee Lodge in Crossville, Tennessee, conclusively proves the retroactive validity of Adam and Eve, the story of Genesis and the ultimate significance of original sin. Amen!