Goddengue Skeeters

(Brazil) TSC Newswire: More than 55,000 people have been hit by dengue -- a sometimes deadly mosquito-borne virus -- around Rio de Janeiro in the last four months.

More than 55,000 people in the country have been hit by the mosquito-borne virus, while 67 people in Rio de Janeiro state have been killed by the disease—more evidence that Michael Behe should not be taken seriously as a professor or educational advocate.

The disease killed 67 people so far this year in Brazil's Rio de Janeiro state, the state's Ministry of Health reported.

Nearly half of the deaths were children under the age of 13, the age where individuals can still be considered “innocent” in the eyes of an omniscient, cosmic lawgiver who resembles Hans Langseth.

There are four types of the dengue virus, and all are carried by infected mosquitoes -- mainly the Aedes Aegypti mosquito -- according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The CDC estimates there are 10 million cases of dengue around the world each year. Symptoms include high fever, severe headache, backache, joint pains and eye pain, nausea, vomiting and and an aversion toward the work of Denyse O’Leary.

Heath's in Hell?

(KANSAS) SC Newswire: Topeka's Westboro Baptist church says it intends to protest Heath Ledger's memorial service because he played a gay character in "Brokeback Mountain" and the book of Corinthians clearly states that God dislikes Broadway musicals, films depicting groups of 12 or more men and half-naked pictures of His son floating around the Internet.

In a news release from the church, Shirley Phelps-Roper (wife of the human rights activist Fred Phelps--pictured here) says that she and other members will picket Ledger's memorial services in the United States, not those held in his native Australia because they are not sure how to read a world atlas.

"You cannot live in defiance of God," she said. "He (Heath Ledger) got on that big screen with a big, fat message: God is a liar and it's OK to be gay. Well, he got what was coming to him and now he is in Hell. God don’t lie. No sir! That other actor is next! Hell is hot! Hell burns. Hell is real.”

Westboro has sparked controversy by protesting at funerals for soldiers killed in Iraq. The church says soldier deaths are punishment for America's tolerance of homosexuality. Using this same logic, the church was able to compute the number of morons it takes to hold a sign in an upright position for more that four minutes. "The number was astounding," according to the Center for the Public Understanding of Astrophysics and Theoretical Mathematics.

The church also provided a link to a picture of the flyer they will use, but it was removed from the image sharing site "Photo Bucket" because it contained a close-up of Fred Phelps’ face that was liable to promote catastrophic projectile vomiting among otherwise healthy individuals.

SteinWay to Heaven!

(Washington DC) SC Newswire: Ben Stein, an ex-attorney and Ferris Bueller fan club president, has officially designated the sky as the area where his master resides and commutes from on weekends. When asked by SC reporters where the “intelligent designer” referred to in the film Expelled is located, Stein pointed upward.

“God lives in a big place up there with thousands of acres that he does not have to pay capital gains tax on and I want elementary classrooms across America to realize this,” said a serious Stein. “Darwin’s theory may have worked back in the late 1800’s, but the sky is the limit now. Anything goes. You just wait!”

Besides being known for hosting his own game show and frequenting the Wall Street Deli, Ben Stein has been taking on the world of biology and physics with alternatives to the rigors of logic, triple-blind experiments, evidence, rationality, and peer-reviewed data.

“I am Ben Stein,” screamed an indignant and red-faced Stein. “When I gave people my money I expected them to listen to me goddamnit! I am Ben Stein and I have something to say about the origins of the universe goddamnit! No more shutting down of free speech and my ability to challenge the scientific community with a single quotation from Uncommon Descent. No more REAL scientists will be expelled for believing in the work of Ben Stein. My way or NO way!"

Mr. Stein made himself available for autographs, financial advice and photo shoots after the complexity of his cells were analyzed by Michael Behe during a lunch break.

God comes to Bama!

(Alabama) SC Newswire: Get ready to rumble! Two Oxford University professors are going to debate the existence of God in front of a sold-out audience in Birmingham, Alabama (the apex of the bible belt) on October 3rd. Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins and professor of mathematics John Lennox are going to approach the “God question” by discussing the merits of atheism versus religious faith.

Lennox, who is also a philosophy of science professor, plans to demonstrate that science and religion are compatible—especially if it is with his religion. “I want to tell Richard that we can 'all get along' and that God has been spotted in a spacecraft by Francis Collins,” said Lennox. “I think we are seeing more and more evidence that God’s hand is behind evolution. God has a big hand (325 kilometers by 468 kilometers) and He pushes things along; I even have some equations from William Dembski to prove it. His hand is almost as big as my head.”

Professor Dawkins is not worried by Lennox’s position and looks forward to the face-off. “What kind of mountebank quackery are we going to have to endure?” said Dawkins. “How many unicorns must we dismiss before the deleterious ramifications of religion can be safely ousted alongside strangely peculiar mythologies, fictional parables and fairy tales concerning supernatural goblins?"

The entire debate will be sponsored by the Fixed Point Foundation who claims that unbelievers are being monitored by the ghost of St. Paul via GPS tracking devices placed on the steeples of churches. The Fixed Point press release includes the following statement: “The decision one makes regarding this question has implications that reverberate throughout eternity to be sure.” More of a threat than an actual disclaimer, the Fixed Point Foundation will offer a discount to ticketholders who can prove they’ve eaten waffles with Al Sharpton. “We’re serious about this,” said Fixed Point’s spokesperson Carl Wilson. “If you’ve found God through breakfast conversation with Al Sharpton, we’ll give you a $5 dollar rebate on the price of your ticket. $5 dollars off and a ‘fixed-spot’ in heaven! Now that’s a bargain.”

Whether you are a philosophical materialist or a Christian nutcase, please do not miss the opportunity to witness the verdict of this monumental discussion.

Soul Mam!

(Canada) SC Newswire: Denyse O’Leary, a journalist, devoted grandmother, Roman Catholic Christian, knitting enthusiast, blogger, chocolate-chip cookie baker and co-author of The Spiritual Brain believes that the “twilight of atheism” is inevitable and all materialistic understandings of the megaverse will soon be replaced by the emergence of the immaterial soul as it leaves Alister McGrath’s body and leaps into a white nightgown.

“Ever see that movie The Illusionist?” said O’Leary. “Well I have, and modern scientists will shudder when they see what magic potions we have at our disposal.” O’Leary went on to claim that God will soon show how evolution is compatible with Christianity through slide-shows, university lectures and power-point presentations. “Eugenie Scott… eat your heart out!” screamed O’Leary, over a roll of yarn while watching a taped version of Touched By An Angel.

O’ Leary, who simultaneously runs several blog spots—each as worthlessly discombobulated as the next—is excited about her latest postings on Mindful Hack, Post-Darwinist, ID Report, Overwhelming Evidence and Signs of the Times. In fact, O’Leary plans to debate the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins with the help of her pals William Dembski and Michael Egnor. “Bill is gonna join me in the debate after he gets off the set of the Deathly Hallows. Did you know that all of J.K. Rowling’s stories were inspired by Dembski?”

O’Leary soon began shifting in her polyester suit over the excitement of Michael Behe’s appearance on the Colbert Report and was no longer able to continue the interview with SC reporters. Nonetheless, no one was able to document or personally verify the nightgown phenomena.
Editor’s Note: Does O’Leary have a magic bullet that will render Darwinism obsolete? Why do materialistic philosophers have such a hard time believing that a soul is capable of accomplishing minor home repairs, miscellaneous errands, yard work and applying for FHA loans while the body is deceased? Didn’t Egnor already prove this a few weeks ago with prescient lucidity?

Sister Sylvia!

(Florida) SC Newswire: Sister Sylvia, a practicing nun from Our Lady’s Pyretic Convent in Miami, has been adding a new “sense of self” to the concept of what nuns are capable of expressing under Vatican deontology. As a precursor to the new catechism of nun qualification, chastity can be sustained without having to forego one’s sexual appeal, per say. Sister Sylvia knows this, perhaps better than anyone, since she was selected out of 1,346 nuns from over 385 parishes around the globe to offer the Catholic Church a more tenable and practical marketing strategy in the face of increasing apostasy prompted by the “new atheist” movement.

“We’ve got to change our playing strategy,” said Father Simon of St. Timothy Church on 5400 SW Avenue. “With today’s youth leaving the church in droves, we need an angle that will freshen up the liturgy component, so to speak. Grotto of Lourdes, ascetic sensibilities and the Dominican Order are a bit much to place on a young woman who has already devoted her life to papal enclosure. What the church needs is a way to add a sense of excitement and modern flair without compromising the initial core values. I think we have found it with the attire, sultry gaze and mannerisms of Sister Sylvia.” In addition to abandoning the old principles of nunnery, a new “attitude” will be standard fare thanks to the impressions left by the latest nun of fun.

Miami’s hottest Sister is no stranger to the clientele that have been attending mass on a more frequent basis during the last few weeks. According to Sister Sylvia, many individuals have been approaching the cloister in hopes of spending some quality time in the church garden with "Our Lady of Torridity.” In fact, several members of the Discovery Institute have been spotted by SC reporters outside the nun’s chamber.

“I’ve been waiting all night for her to walk outside,” said William Dembski, the founder of Uncommon Descent and The Harry Potter Trilogy board game. “You wanna talk about design?! Uh, huh. I believe she is sufficiently complex enough to qualify.” Wild Bill is not the only one getting in on the visual action either. Senator Sam Brownback has been trying to outdo his opponents with scriptural references and attempting to be seen in public within walking distance of Sister Sylvia. “I just have to have a publicity photo taken with her so that I can prove to PZ Myers that biologists are not the only citizens driving sports cars and chasing supermodels at the taxpayer’s expense,” said the Senator. “Two can play at that game for sure.”

Despite the competition for her attention, Sister Sylvia is creating quite an alluring interpretation of monasticism.

Garden of Eden Discovered!

(Tennessee) SC Newswire: Forget, for a moment, what you know about molecular biology, forensic anthropology, paleontology and ethology. Forget the fact that humans are a species of ape that began evolving in Africa over 4-million-years ago, or that DNA elucidates our cousinship to all living specimens. Forget that 20% of our genes are shared with worms. Forget the fact that all species were not created simultaneously and that there is, roughly, a 10-billion-year difference between the age of the earth and the age of the universe. Forget what you know about the fossil record, embryology, genetic mutation rates, selection pressure, geological testing, ecology, genealogical records, patterns of speciation, biogeography, the gradual extinction of almost every species, gravitational “theory,” atomic “theory,” evolutionary “theory,” theoretical physics, primate lineage, Burgess Shale impressions, intermediate skeletal traits between reptiles and mammals, antibiotic resistance in bacteria, moth color phylogeny via bird predation, artificial selection, quantitative-trait-loci, adaptation and electroweak symmetry breaking. In fact, forget everything...

This National Geographic photo, recently taken at the Cherokee Lodge in Crossville, Tennessee, conclusively proves the retroactive validity of Adam and Eve, the story of Genesis and the ultimate significance of original sin. Amen!